As I write this, it's 11:05 on Friday, March 13th. I'm not much for superstition, but I can't help but notice some similarities between today and a fateful day about 16 months ago. It was Nov 12th when Dr. Weinberg first biopsied that nasty lump, and the 13th when she called to tell me it was cancer. Once again, on the 12th of a month (March, in this case) I sat in her office for a biopsy. And once again, on the 13th, I sit here anxiously awaiting her voice on the phone. Is it cancer?
Just days ago, I found another lump. It's different than last time, higher up, much smaller. Immediately, I thought "it's just fat lumps." The timing is right, about 3 months out from my reconstruction, for the fat grafting on my left side to start settling in. Fat is unpredictable, and it is likely that some of the fat has clumped together leaving a lump I can feel just beneath skin. Nevertheless, finding a lump after the treatment I've been through for the last year is scary. Those odds are always lurking just beyond my consciousness, nagging at me. It's something I'm trying to move beyond.
I left a message for the doctor the next morning, and within 15 minutes, the receptionist was on the phone setting up an appointment for Thursday, the 12th. I didn't notice the similarity in the date until I was already at the appointment. Superstitious or not, why tempt fate?! Oh well, that's neither here nor there. [the cliche queen in me must come out when I am most stressed, lol!]
Doug came with me to the appointment yesterday. Right away, Dr. Weinberg put us at ease. It was likely fat from the grafting, it felt smooth like fat lumps do. Just to be safe, she wanted an ultrasound. Fat shows up bright white on an ultrasound. It would be easy to see if there was reason to worry. We were all for it. We're preparing for a vacation, ready to leave the stress behind. The ultrasound tech, Dana, was great, showing me all the white spots showing up on the screen and talking me through the spot where I felt tender. She took measurements, and called Dr. Weinberg in to examine the screen. Most of what they saw was definitely fat, connected, bright white and deep. But there was an area that wasn't quite as white as the rest, right near the skin, where I'd felt the lump. Dr. Weinberg suggested I come back in a few weeks as a follow up, but then she hesitated. "We could always just biopsy it right now so we'll know." Given my history, my odds, and how sneaky that last lump was, I opted for the biopsy.
This biopsy was different, guided by the ultrasound, I could see the needle for the lidocaine. I could see the corer (is that even what it's called?) removing samples as it was happening. Doug looked on, ever my rock. This time, the clicks weren't quite as loud, and there was some suction involved. I tried not to watch. Dr. Weinberg said the samples looked like fat. Last time, she didn't say anything at all. I'm taking that as a good sign. I can't have cancer again already!
And now, I'm sitting here, pacing, trying to keep busy, and waiting to hear her voice on the phone. Waiting to hear it's just fat. I wasn't going to share this until I knew the results, but then I did promise myself I would use this blog to be brutally honest about what this cancer experience is like. It seems these scares are part of that journey. An ongoing tension and source of worry. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard for fat in all my life.
Whatever the results, I will share with all of you soon. Good or bad, I need some time to process these emotions, so please don't worry too much. Lift this up in prayer, please, and know I am always so grateful for your support through every curve in the road.
whew
ReplyDelete