Life Changes

Life is hardly a dull drumbeat these days. Where do I even begin?

I'm feeling really stuck on the reconstruction front. I'm so unhappy with the results. They are unbalanced, uneven, and cause me a lot of pain. I don't know where or who to go to next. I've never even had the proper surgical follow-up to make sure I'm healing correctly, though I'm guessing I am. I'm told the muscle spasms are just par-for-the-course, and that they will continue. I'm learning to adapt my movements to avoid the motions that generally trigger the spasms, but the whole "putting on pants" thing is unavoidable, so I suppose I'll continue to expect those spasms pretty regularly [wink, wink].

I have decided on a tattoo to cover up the scars, rather than getting the nipple tattoos. I've always had a penchant for song lyrics, and one song in particular has ALWAYS moved me. I'm thinking of getting some of the lyrics from Blackbird, specifically "Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise." I thought it would be beautiful to have birds perched on a tree branch on one side (over the scar), and the lyrics over the scar on the other side. And, though the song lyrics refer to Blackbirds, at least 2 of the birds I get will have to be Cardinals because of the ones that visited me daily while I was sick. I felt so much peace watching them flit around on my balcony while I curled up in bed day after day through treatment. I'm aiming for a very delicate, feminine-looking tattoo. The last thing I need is another harsh-looking mark on my skin. I'm also pretty sure I've found the tattoo artist who'll do the work. She is out of Raleigh and is endorsed by P.Ink!, an organization that helps match women in my situation with tattoo artists with experience tattooing over scars, particularly mastectomy scars. Now, I just need an artist willing to draw the tattoo for me. If you know of anyone, please PLEASE let me know.

Speaking of my penchant for song lyrics, there is a new song by Sara Bareilles called "She Used to Be Mine" I've been listening to on repeat. The lyrics speak to the imperfection we feel (all of us, I suspect, but many women, and particularly women who've gone through some scarring life event). Maybe I am projecting a bit, but I think many of my sisters-in-cancer will identify with the beautiful lyrics of this song. If you are so inclined, give it a listen, or buy it (Amazon and iTunes have the digital download available for the single)! It's so beautiful! Here's a link to a live version posted on YouTube: She Used To Be Mine - Sara Bareilles

I'm also taking some much needed steps to work on my strength. Treatment has taken such a toll on my body. I know you are all pretty tired of me complaining about pain, but it is the reality of my daily life. I'm getting pretty good at dealing with it, drudging through. I think I am also coming to the realization of just how weak I am now. I'm not used to feeling so tired and run-down. I've always been strong. Now, I seem to have more strength early in the day, but by bedtime, I can't open a bottle of water by myself. That was a real kick-in-the-pants to start making changes. You all know I have been working on changing my diet for some time now. I have good days and bad days when it comes down to it. I'm trying to find my sweet spot when it comes to clean eating. This coming week, I will start training regularly with a personal trainer. She has lots of experience training women who've been through all the surgeries and treatments I've endured. AND she hasn't always been super fit, having lost a ton of weight and faced a debilitating spinal injury. I know she "gets it," and that makes me feel really safe in her care. I am so excited about building my strength back and getting healthy, and trust me, if weight loss happens to be part of this, I'm game! Won't hurt my feelings to see the number on the scale drop! Bring it on, Angie!

In two weeks, I'll be starting a new job, that may lead to a new career. I've been hired as a technical writer! It took a lot of soul-searching, hemming and hawing, contemplating, (you get the picture?!) to come to the decision to apply for and accept this position. I'm a mix of crazy-excited and terrified. I will still be teaching some online classes because, frankly, I can't sever the relationship with Kara-The-Teacher, but I am letting go of my connection to the community college I've been teaching with for 4 years. My heart aches over saying goodbye to my students and colleagues at the community college. They have brought much joy and professional growth into my world. But, as with so much in my post-cancer life, it's time for a change. Please pray that I will have the strength, energy, and skill to succeed in my new position. Having worked mostly from home for all of my daughter's life, this change will be a lifestyle change for my family, too. I think we are doing a good job of preparing to become a two-parent-working-out-of-the-home family, but there are sure to be missteps and stumbles along the way. While you're at it, can you go ahead and throw in a prayer for my little family, that we manage this transition well? Thanks!

And, just in case you're curious about the whole-family-cancer situation....  My step-dad is doing well. Still no symptoms and no treatment. We are all hoping he stays that way permanently! Mom is still a little in limbo. Maybe she'd describe it differently, but I don't feel like we have much in the way of answers. It's been 2 months, at least, and she's had lots of tests and bloodwork. It seems a bone marrow biopsy is in her (near?) future. We had a bit of excitement over her platelet counts dropping significantly a few weeks ago, but then we were told that this kind of change is normal and it will likely go back up to where it was. At this point, I think they have ruled out all of the possible secondary causes, so this is definitely on the cancer spectrum. She's been noticing more and more symptoms, and while she wants to attribute them to other causes (like headaches meaning she needs glasses), they are likely related to the increased number of platelets in her blood. Regardless, she is keeping her spirits up, laughing and smiling as always! We just had a surprise birthday party for her. It was a great way to celebrate her, and to lift her spirits. Thanks to all who came out and made her day so special! Please keep my mom in your prayers, too.

One final thing: Each day of the last week of October (as part of my "Pinktober Profiles" Breast Cancer Awareness series), I will be posting a profile of a local breast cancer survivor. What makes these profiles SO special goes beyond the AMAZING women they are written about, and extends to the students who wrote them. My Eng-111 students (mostly Early-College High School students) have been working tirelessly on writing and revising their profiles and we are all getting pretty excited to finally share them with you. Keep checking back for the profiles. You won't want to miss out on their stories! They are all so inspiring.