A year ago, today (right at noon), I was home, alone, sitting at my desk desperately trying to distract myself from the "what-ifs" when the call came. "It's cancer," she said. "Wow," I said. And, wow! What a year it's been.
When the diagnosis first came, it seemed simple. Stage 2, Grade 2. Remove the breasts, heal, move on. And then everything changed.
Every step of the way there were surprises and changes. The tumor was bigger (a lime instead of a golf ball). It had a moderate-high chance of coming back. Nodes were involved. I was now stage 3a! Chemo, which had been a maybe, became a definite. In fact, I'd need one of the most aggressive chemo regiments for this kind of cancer. Radiation, which was not part of the original plan, was now a necessity. And that pesky genetic marker, BRCA2 came back positive, which meant I'd be looking at a hysterectomy, too. Pile on the cording, lymphedema, weight gain, and pain, pain, pain. I don't think anyone I knew imagined it would be like this. When I promised my little girl I would be "brave like a tree," I had no clue what I would be facing.
In hindsight, I see that it's been a truly frustrating year, laced with so much emotion, angst, fear, but also this year has brought new bonds, friendships, communities, and a whole lotta knowledge into my life.
I want to take this moment to tell you "thanks." To all the known and unknowns who've followed this blog, who've cared, who've prayed, who've wondered... To all the people who suffered with me, and because of me.. THANK YOU.
I haven't posted in a while. There have been some ups and downs. I had a few good months after treatment ended, and then more pain and exhaustion set in, seemingly out of nowhere. Had CT and bone scans, which revealed nothing cancer related. Great news! I was so afraid it had come back already! There was a scary hour or so in there. The bone scan lit up on the screen that I could see and I freaked out. Turns out the screen I could see and the actual images show things differently. In the end, there is still no evidence of disease, but it turns out I have an old infection in my spleen, a kidney stone, and a post-chemo syndrome (which is how they say "we know you don't feel well but we can't pinpoint why"). I've been seeing a rheumatologist who is determined to help me find relief for the pain. I've got a bunch of new meds to take, which is par for the course by now. I still have pain but the meds have helped relieve much of it. We've discovered that I have a significant vitamin D deficiency, which could explain some of the tired and some of the bone pain. Guess I need a beach vacation to get that sunshine. I'm thinking Caribbean.....
Back in the real world, my exchange surgery is scheduled for December 19th. That's exactly one year and one day after my breasts were removed. Really, I find the timing humorous. Guess I'll be getting new foobs for Christmas! He'll do some fat-grafting at the same time. I hear the fat-grafting is actually a worse recovery than the implant exchange. Regardless, recovery shouldn't be too bad, and there isn't even a hospital stay involved. I'll be home that afternoon and free of these rocks on my chest. I can't wait to say farewell to these expanders!
I'd mentioned going out to dinner to celebrate my cancerversary, but the hubs reminded me we shouldn't celebrate the bad news. He's so right (don't tell him I said that, wink wink). But since I can't go out to eat the night before surgery, we'll have to find some other way to celebrate the cancer-free-aversery, which is December 18. It's a little weird to celebrate these things, but in the end, I'm full of joy and gratitude because I'm still here. I've got a lot of work ahead of me this year. I have pounds to lose, strength to gain, hair to grow, and those are only the superficial things. For me, this battle may never be really over. Cancer will always be somewhere on my mind, but there are plenty of other things to do and think about, so I'll try to focus on them instead.
It's funny how this blog has become such a part of me. Through it all, I always enjoyed seeing how many people would visit this site to check in on me (more than 13,000 hits this year!). Your comments and posts have given me something to look forward to. I want to thank you for reading and for caring enough to check in on my progress. I hope you will continue to share my story with your loved ones if they are ever unfortunate enough to get this same kind of bad news. If my journey can help one person deal with this disease, somehow help them understand or feel more at ease, then it's been worth it.
Please know, as the holidays approach and always, I am deeply grateful for all of you.
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