Counting Blessings

At this point, I'm hopeful that most of the surprises are behind me. There are still some unknowns, but I know the choices that will need to be made (chemo, radiation, oophorectomy, etc.) and the information we are waiting on to inform those choices. I'm resigned to the fact that over the next year I will repeatedly undergo surgeries, major and minor, and I'm feeling more prepared. This next year will be unpleasant, but I know I will survive it, one day looking back with a sense of pride and humor. In the meantime, there is no doubting the blessings bestowed upon me in my time of need.

Sure, I'm frightened, worried, angry and unsure. I'm also lucky, blessed, and strangely full of joy. I look around and see SO MANY others looking back, feeling many of the same emotions and wanting nothing more than to help relieve some of the stress and worry in my life. I am grateful that my days are bookended and filled with the love and support of my husband and daughter, my parents and siblings, my mother and brother in law, my fun/"complicated" extended family, old friends and new, colleagues, mentors, students, medical professionals and acquaintances, all of which have shown and continue to show overwhelming support and compassion. I've always known that I was surrounded by amazing people. Every day I wake up and feel relief in knowing that any need, tangible or otherwise, will be met because I am blessed to be surrounded by people with a boundless desire to help. To all of you, please know that I am thankful and humbled by your compassion. You are all making a difference with your words and actions.

It's been a busy week so far, but there is good news to share. The CT Scan and Bone Scan came back clear. This cancer may be feisty but it hasn't yet spread beyond the lymph nodes (that we can tell). I did ask Dr. Kotz (my oncologist) about having a 2nd reading of the results. After having one radiologist say that the micro-calcifications and tiny mass were likely benign and to follow-up in 6 months, only to have Dr. Weinberg confirm, less than a week later, that I did indeed have a golf ball sized malignant tumor in my breast, I'm a bit weary of having only one radiologist/doctor interpret imaging results. Still, clear scans = happy news.

Pre-op is done, armpits are waxed and hair appointment has been made. I know that must sound really vain, but it's more about making the post surgery days easier and maintaining some personal sense of dignity during the days when I'll need the most help doing even the simplest tasks.

I visited with Dr. Kays (plastic surgeon) and his staff on Monday, mostly so they could take my "before" pictures and answer any other questions I had. We talked a lot about the drains. Kerry, the most helpful and well informed surgical assistant ever, mentioned a process called "Milking the Drains" which I haven't heard of yet. I said "So, you mean to tell me that I'm going to have surgery to remove my breasts, and then you're going to milk me!" We all had a laugh at that. Milking the drains is a lot like curling ribbon. Whomever is helping to empty my drains will need to hold the drain at a point close to my skin and pull down the length of the drain with the back of a butter knife. This helps to clear the drains and keep the wick-like part inside of me from clogging. It sounds scary, brought tears to my eyes, in fact, but we'll get it figured out. All of my doctor's are impressed with our knowledge of everything involved. Doug is particularly well researched and well prepared. And it's really nice to have doctor's talk to us without that ever-so-common condescending tone. My doctors and their staff have been wonderful every step of the way. I've never encountered so many hugs and warm smiles.

Dr. Kotz and the tumor board discussed my case on Wednesday morning. He said they all leaned toward chemo for treatment, but participating in the national study is still worth considering. We're going to wait for the Onkatype results before any decisions are made. Dr. Weinberg wants to discuss my case with a radiation oncologist. They were hopeful the radiation oncologist would be at the meeting, but s/he wasn't available. So, radiation is still under consideration.

There is still a lot to do before surgery. I have so many papers to grade and final grades to submit. Boxes need unpacking. The house needs cleaning. The laundry never ends. Clover needs grooming. I'd like to set up play dates for Charlotte so her days aren't consumed by grown-ups and caring for mommy. It will all get done, I know.

Surgery is next. I'm supposed to arrive at the NHRMC Surgical Pavilion at 10am on Wednesday,  12/18. The surgery will start around 12/12:30. The bilateral mastectomy takes about an hour and a half. The reconstruction will last approximately 2 hours. I take my time waking from anesthesia, so that's another hour and a half. I should be admitted and heading up to a room at the hospital by 5 or 6. I'll be staying overnight, maybe two. I'll definitely be home by the afternoon of the 20th. I'll see Dr. Kays on the 23rd for his post-op and Dr. Kotz on the 24th. I'm looking forward to that one. By the 24th, we'll know my Onkatype score, we'll know exactly the size/shape of the tumor and we'll know a final number for the lymph node involvement (Dr. Weinberg is removing the rest of the lymph nodes from my left side and a few from the right side for pathology to examine). By Christmas, I should have a treatment plan in place for chemo.

The next 5 days are sure to fly by. If there is anything new to mention, I promise I'll post it. Otherwise, friends, I'll post again as soon after surgery as I can.  Thank you all, again, for your kindness, generosity and love. "See you" on the flip-side.