Eleven Days

Surgery is officially scheduled for 12/18. That means I have 11 days to prepare and there's a lot to do.

It's the holidays, and I don't want to disrupt the joy of the season. Doug and I bought a lovely tree yesterday and we're planning to have a decorating party tonight (thanks, mom!). I'd love to think I will be able to do some holiday shopping and baking before the surgery, but that doesn't seem likely. I'm barely managing to keep up with the laundry.

Charlotte's 5th birthday is quickly approaching. She's been looking forward to her roller skating party since May. Really, since May! She invites total strangers and literally wants everyone she has ever known to come. Her invite list (of her friends only) is about 35 kids long. I'm bummed, to say the least, that I won't be able to skate with her. I used to be quite the skating Diva (right, dad?!) Maybe I can rent a wheelchair and roll around, bopping to the music instead. Do they make leg warmers for grown-ups? I was hoping, at one time, to go all "Pinterest" on y'all and create a my-little-pony birthday wonderland from scratch. Instead, Papa John's will deliver some pizza and I ordered an awesome cake from For Heaven's Cake (two-tier, stripes and polka dots, hand-painted, fondant-covered rice crispie pony on top). Hopefully I'll remember to buy my-little-pony themed plates & napkins and some parting gifts for the mass of kids that come to party. At this point, I know, even if I screw it up and forget all of it, she'll still be surrounded by her friends and family, still get to skate for a couple of hours, and still eat a gorgeous & tasty cake. Ok - the "surrounded by friends and family" part assumes I don't forget to send invitations.

There's work to finish. I took on too many classes this semester (9 in total - that will NEVER happen again). I was great about keeping way ahead on the prep work. Since most of the classes I teach are online, I can get a lot of that done ahead of time and spend most of my work days grading and responding to students. The overload started to become noticeable around mid-semester. I had a hard time keeping up with grading. I was backed up by about  3 weeks on grading and then BOOM! Lump. Doctor. Radiology. Scary Phone Call. Doctor. Biopsy. Cancer. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Surgery. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor (shall I keep going?!). It's been impossible to focus on responding to student's papers. I was talking with my lifelong friend Meghan early on about not wanting the cancer to take over my life. She said "You have cancer. Cancer doesn't have you." And I was all "YEAH!!!" But then reality kicked in. You get cancer and your life becomes a blur of doctor's appointments and phone calls. You're lucky if you can find the time to hold hands with your new and most wonderful husband or read books to your super-bright daughter. Forget about unpacking, arranging and cleaning your new home that somehow (by the grace of that new and most wonderful husband and our families) got moved into in the midst of all this cancer crap. Anyway, back to my point. Those who know me know that I LOVE my work. I LOVE my students. I can't accept letting them down. I have a lot left to do in the next 11 days. It will get done, somewhere between spending time loving my family and...

Doctor's Appointments.  Need I really say more? I have at least 5 appointments between Monday and Wednesday of next week. In that time, I will pose topless for photos (for the plastic surgeon - get your minds out of the gutter), have a CT scan of my chest and abdomen and a whole-body bone scan (which "aren't likely" to show cancer in other areas of my body, right?!), get poked and prodded some more for pre-op, and meet with my oncologist again for more discussion about the chemo/radiation plan (if any).

I also need to pack a hospital bag. I've done some research on what other patients recommend. It's a long list which has made me woefully aware that I don't keep some very basic items around (like button-up or zip-front shirts, slippers, large safety pins, etc, etc, etc). Most recommend having your hair done and armpits waxed prior to surgery (thanks to Keri for that tip!). Many women report having difficulty shaving (due to range of motion issues) for up to 6 weeks. Since I already have persistent pain in my left arm from the node biopsy, I think it's safe to assume that shaving issues are a possibility for me.

It's all very overwhelming, and that's with the incredible support team I have. How do women do this without help? It feels like a nuclear bomb has exploded in the center of my life and the cancer cloud is releasing little droplets of cancer crap all around. And I never know what emotion will pop up next. Sad. Scared. Angry. Defiant. Determined. So many more. I know a year or so from now, this will be just another story I can tell about my past (like the deck collapse, the camel spider in Iraq, the recent near-death canoeing incident), but friends, between now and then, it's like emotional nuclear fallout. An example: I had a great afternoon yesterday. Charlotte and I had a play date with our awesome new friends. We met at Halyburton, played on the playground and went for a 1.5 mile walk on the trail and then an ice cream treat. The weather was great, in the 70's. The girls had fun. I got some baby love. Great afternoon. On the way home, I got a speeding ticket. I thought I was in a 35mph speed zone, but apparently it was a 25. I was doing 39. I started crying as soon as the trooper took my license and registration back to his car. I put my sunglasses on to hide the tears because I felt like an ass. I kindly thanked him for the ticket and as he walked away I started sobbing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. There were some random moans. I stayed pulled over on the side of the road for a good 10 minutes, crying. Charlotte was in the car. Not really the reaction I want to model for her. There are better days, but moments like these really catch me off guard.

That's it for now, friends. I'll be sure to update next week after the various appts. In the meantime, have a great weekend. Oh - do me a favor. Stop the craziness of your life for one hour this weekend and just enjoy someone or something you love. And then tell me about it (in comments or on Facebook).